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How Can I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me Deeply?

When someone wounds us—whether with words, actions, or betrayal—the pain can linger far beyond the moment. It seeps into our thoughts, disrupts our peace, and even challenges our faith. For many, the idea of forgiveness feels like surrendering justice or pretending the pain never happened. But what if forgiveness is less about forgetting and more about finding freedom?

If you’re carrying the weight of unforgiveness, you’re not alone, and there is a way forward. In this article, we’ll explore what the Bible really teaches about forgiveness and why it’s not just a spiritual command, but a pathway to healing.

You’ll discover:

Let’s start with an understanding of what forgiveness means.

What forgiveness truly means and what it doesn’t

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Many believe it means minimizing the harm done, excusing injustice, or pretending it never happened. But the biblical view of forgiveness tells a different story.

At its core, forgiveness is a deliberate choice to release a person from the debt they owe you, not because they earned it, but because grace is an altruistic gift that God extends to us and invites us to extend to others (Ephesians 4:32).

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you must deny the pain, trust blindly, or avoid setting boundaries. Instead, it means choosing to see the person through God’s eyes, not your broken heart. It’s a spiritual transaction, one that doesn’t erase the injustice but allows you to let go of the bitterness that binds you to it.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting; it’s about freeing yourself to live again.

Next, let’s look at why this act of release is essential for your well-being—body, mind, and soul.

Biblical reasons why forgiveness is essential for your well-being

Forgiveness isn’t just a moral ideal.Instead, it’s a strategy for emotional healing and mental and physical health.

When we hold onto unforgiveness, it festers into anger, resentment, and bitterness. Over time, this emotional weight can erode our joy and affect our sleep, relationships, and immune system. Science supports what the Bible has long declared, that healing occurs when we forgive.

Evidence-based studies show that people who practice emotional forgiveness experience lower stress levels, improved cardiovascular health, and greater mental health. That’s because forgiveness helps close the “injustice gap” — the space between what someone did to hurt you and the justice you believe you deserve.

Spiritually, forgiveness is non-negotiable. Jesus taught that if we want to be forgiven, we must forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15). This act of grace not only reflects God’s character but also aligns our hearts with His.

But how do you begin this process? Let’s explore practical steps.

Practical steps to start forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you

Forgiving is a process, not a one-time act, especially when you’ve been deeply wounded.

Here’s how to move toward that healing path:

  • Acknowledge the harm done – Don’t dismiss or sugarcoat the pain. Be honest with yourself and God about the injustice and how it made you feel.
  • Choose forgiveness intentionally – Forgiveness begins with a decision. You may not feel like it, but you can choose to take the first step.
  • Invite God into the process – Prayer is powerful. Ask God to soften your heart, bring clarity, and help you see the bigger picture.
  • Practice empathy – Try to understand what led the other person to hurt you. This doesn’t justify their actions, but it shifts your perspective from your small self to a grace-filled view.
  • Work through your emotions – Journal, talk with a trusted friend, or speak to a third party like a counsellor or pastor. These outlets help you process grief and move forward.
  • Repeat as needed – Sometimes, forgiveness needs to happen in stages. Don’t be discouraged if old emotions resurface. Healing takes time.

Now, let’s look at how Jesus embodied forgiveness, and how His example can empower us to do the same.

How Jesus modeled forgiveness—and how you can, too

Jesus didn’t just teach forgiveness; He lived it.

While hanging on the cross, in excruciating pain, He said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34, NKJV). That is the full experience of grace under pressure.

Jesus chose to see reality through God’s eternal lens, not just through the pain. He didn’t ignore the perceived injustice or the harm, but He saw something else: the redemption story behind the suffering. That perspective changes everything.

As His followers, we are empowered to forgive not in our strength, but in His. The deep work of forgiveness becomes possible when we abide in Christ. The same Spirit that helped Jesus forgive empowers us to come together with others in healing.

And what do we do when the pain returns—after we’ve already forgiven?

What to do when the pain returns, even after you’ve chosen to forgive

Forgiveness doesn’t erase memory.

Sometimes, something will trigger your pain. A conversation. A location. A thought. And suddenly, the anger and sorrow come flooding back.

When that happens, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean your forgiveness wasn’t real. It means you need to revisit the process:

  • Speak truth over the situation – Remind yourself that you have forgiven.
  • Pray through the emotions – Ask God to help you process your renewed hurt.
  • Reframe the story – Go back to the bigger picture. What is God teaching you through this?
  • Take care of your health – Emotional pain affects your physical health, so rest, eat well, and get support.

Healing is rarely linear. But each time you choose to release the weight, you are moving one step closer to freedom.

Forgiveness sets you free

You were not created to carry the weight of a broken heart forever. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the injustice; it simply refuses to let that injustice define you. When you forgive, you set yourself free. You reclaim your peace. You move from pain to purpose.

Whether you’re grieving a betrayal, holding resentment, or struggling to understand how to let go, remember this: forgiveness is not weakness. It is strength, healing, and surrender all wrapped in one.

Let God walk with you. Take your time. But most of all, take that first step toward forgiveness today.

Ready to go deeper?

Visit the Relationship section of Hope for Africa for more Bible-based wisdom and practical guidance.

Here are three reads to start with:

Explore these insights and take the next step in your journey to healing, wholeness, and Christ-centered relationships.

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